I want to be clear… I am enormously grateful that Rowan shows no issues related to prematurity. This post isn’t about that. It’s so much more complicated.
Normal. Typical. As it should. As far as we know, he’s fine – he’s amazing. But there’s this feeling that the normalcy is trying to erase the past, trying to make it seem less important. It doesn’t make sense, I know that, and it’s all self-manufactured; nobody is trying to convince me to get over it. It feels like because he is fine that none of the first months should matter. That all of the anger, panic, sadness, and fear were for nothing.
It feels like I had the only copy of a sad and traumatic movie, and taped over it with a better movie. I try to explain the plot of the movie that no longer exists, but we’re all too excited about the new one. The new movie is great! The new movie is beautiful! But I still feel a little attached to the movie that was erased, because though it was actually pretty terrible it was also very important. Yet I’d never trade the new movie for it, because the new movie is amazing.
That analogy is getting way too clunky. This is hard to explain. I want him happy and healthy. I want me happier and healthier. But that coexists with this fear that I wasted my time with that fear. That his entrance into the world was less important, that it didn’t matter. And it mattered so much. It still matters so much.